Talking and Walking Pet Toys
Why? Kids like to play with the same thing over and over and over again. So while that little stuffed Shitszu is cute the first time it says, “Hi, I’m Tinkle.” It won’t be so cute the 50th time.
What You’ll Need To Survive: A bottle of wine and some earphones.
Toy Guns/Blasters/Shooters
Why? Forget the ethics of giving kids toys guns, these toys are annoying because your kid will want to shoot at a target-which could be you. It may be a NERF shooter or some other watered-down version of a toy gun, but that NERF won’t feel so soft when it’s coming toward you.
What You’ll Need To Survive: Your own toy gun/blaster/shooter.
Any Elmo Toy
Why? Elmo likes to speak in the third person and then giggle. Third person, then giggle. Third person, then giggle. See? Annoying.
What You’ll Need To Survive: A diversion. Get your kid a quiet toy and “accidentally” throw Elmo in the trash.
Remote Control Anything.
Why? It’s cool to see your kiddo maneuver Batman’s car or Barbie’s convertible around until that car crashes into your dining room table and scratches up the legs. Then, it becomes less cool to see how your kid can drive a car and ruin all your furniture.
What You’ll Need To Survive: Nothing. Just wait for those batteries to wear out and never buy them again.
Barbie
Why? Why does Barbie always have to end up naked? Five minutes after Santa leaves, Barbie’s clothing will fall off and she’ll look like she’s on Spring Break and you’ll look like you’re up for “Worst Mom Of The Year.”
What You’ll Need To Survive: The foresight to encourage your girl to be a tomboy.
Toy Laptops and Other Kid Computers
Why? Annoying doesn’t properly describe how you’ll feel the first time your kid drops this toy on your foot, which she will. Oh, and they’re really, really loud and no kid knows how to use them.
What You’ll Need To Survive: A no “Screen-Time” rule, even if the screen is a fake annoying toy.
Anything Made Of Hard Plastic That You Have To Put Together
Why? Construction crews don’t have strong enough power tools to drive a screw through a kid’s sand box or ride along toy.
What You’ll Need To Survive: A handyman on staff all the time. All the time!
Flying Stuff
Why: Sure, that flying fairy seems like a good gift until the first time it flies into your head. Then, it seems like an annoying idea.
What You’ll Need To Survive: A helmet. And maybe a fly swatter or two.
Furby
Why? Because it’s called “Furby,” that’s why.
What You’ll Need To Survive: A mallet.
“Sofia The First” Stuff
Why? It’s so sweet how your little girl loves “Sofia The First.” But it won’t be so sweet when she insists on being called Sofia and won’t answer to anything else. Then, you’ll long for the days when she insisted on being called “Pinkalicious.” At least then, everyone knew that was fake.
What You’ll Need To Survive: You’ll probably need to cancel your cable, at least until your daughter is over Sofia.
Farting Toys
Why? Everyone loves a good fart joke, but no one loves a good fart joke 4000 times which is what you’ll have when your kid convinces Grandma to buy him a megaphone that makes fart noises.
What You’ll Need To Survive: A very good, “Wasn’t me” face because everyone will think it was you.
Train Set
Why? Seems innocent until you realize you have no place to put 8-feet of tracks.
What You’ll Need To Survive: A bigger house, or a smaller train.
Monster High Dolls
Why? Creepiest looking doll ever.
What You’ll Need To Survive: Patience. Your kids will get sick of these faster than you got tired of that “Merlin” game you asked for when you were a kid.
And The Most Annoying Toy Ever In The History Of Toys . . . LEGOS
Why? What’s more annoying than a toy a kid can’t put together without 8 hours of intervention from Mom?With directions written in ancient hieroglyphics and pieces so small you need an occupational therapist to pick them up, Legos are the gift that keeps on annoying. Danger Factor: High. Ever stepped on a Lego in the middle of the night? Natural childbirth is less painful.
What You’ll Need To Survive: MacGyver. Who else can put this stuff together?
