I mean this in the nicest way possible, but all school-aged children are festering cesspools of contagion whose life goal is to put as many of them directly into the mouths of their mothers as possible. The silver lining is that after a few years of this horror, we have almost impenetrable immune systems that keep us upright and illness-free. The problem lies in the early years of school—when we still have littles and our bodies aren’t used to being pawed by five-fingered petri dishes on a daily basis—and much later, when we’re hit with sicknesses that are so bad they truly take us down for the count.
It’s during these moments when our minds wander in feverish clarity, thinking things that are so cranky and true that we cannot help but laugh. Here are the thoughts a smattering of the funniest moms on the internet have had while in the throes of some terrible thing their kids brought home from school (probably along with the filthy class stuffed animal and someone else’s lunch box) and infected them with:
1. “Oh, I have a cold. Guess I’ll do all the things I usually do and just feel miserable while doing it.” — Nicole Leigh Shaw
2. “Turns out my pajama sleeves really DO make good tissues.” — Elly Lonon
3. “Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..nevermind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.” — Marlebean
4. “Being required to care for small children when sick is clearly punishment for every bad decision I made in my 20s.” — Jorrie Varney
5. “How is that we can land a person on the moon and make computers we can fit in our pockets, but no one’s created an Emergency Mom Replacement button for when you’re sick?” — Annie Reneau
6. “Judging by the pile of dishes in the sink and on the counter, my family has decided that two whole days is enough sick time for me.” — Brenna Jennings
7. “I have a mom cold this week, which means I’m doing everything I normally do, but doing it with snotty Kleenex crammed up each nostril.” — Rachael Pavlik
8. “Know what gets done around the house when mom is sick? Nothing. Not a damn thing.” — Kelly Arnell
9. “Temp is 102, but I’m freezing. I’m blowing chunks and I can’t see straight. I should go to bed. BWAHAHAHA.” — Jen Mann
10. “I never thought I’d consider ‘didn’t puke while making lunch’ a major accomplishment, but here we are.” — Michelle Back
11. “I’m sick! Oh,crap! At least I can rest while the kids are at school. Just as soon as I finish walking the dog, feeding the dog, going to the grocery store, emptying and filling the dishwasher, preparing dinner, folding laundry, paying bills, taking out the trash, sorting the recycling, organizing the Legos, changing sheets, cleaning the toilets, and vacuuming the floors. I’ll be better in no time!” — Jennifer Gregory
12. “Finally, I get a break…wait…damn it.” — Sarah Cottrell
13. “Ahhh, so the bar for kids believing mommy is sick is sh*tting my pants and throwing up on the stairs. Good to know.” — Heather LeRoss
14. “My entire family has the stomach flu and I’m starting to feel feverish. I have never been this afraid to fart in my entire life.” — Sarah del Rio
15. “As soon as I give ANY indication that I may be out for the count and need to go lay down, my husband will show up within five minutes after being with our kids asking if I am better yet.” — Stacey Waltzer
16. “I can’t die from this. My poor husband would never be able to get the kids down for naptime.” — Mary Katherine
17. “Oh good, now I get to do all the same crap as usual but with snot running down my face.” — Beth Teliho
18. “If I could be just a little bit sick to watch Netflix and they could leave me alone, I wouldn’t mind.” — Rebecca Gallagher
19. “This flu is the best vacation I’ve had in years,” said from her bed in the ER. — Deva Dalporto
20. “I want my mommy.” — Crystal Ponti
What kinds of things do you think when you’re sick? Share them with us in the comments!
More Funny Stuff:
- Parenting Advice Parenting Books Won’t Tell You (Even Though They Should)
- 24 Ways Kids Avoid Sleep (& Drive You Absolutely Crazy)
- Hilarious Wine Labels for Moms (& They’re Printable, Too)
