These days, entrenched in the chaos of parenting young children and juggling careers, text messaging is about the only way my husband and I can communicate without interruption. Actually, I prefer it; I enjoy the perks of having hard evidence of what I did (or did not) say.
Sometimes our conversations are salacious — like the time we were sending suggestive GIFs back and forth and got caught by our 5-year-old, who now likes to make a circle with one hand and poke the pointer finger of the other hand in and out of the circle at dinner parties — but more often than not, we talk about which one of us brought home the latest stomach virus.
Now, my husband adores me and wants me to be happy, but he’s not very good at communicating. Don’t misunderstand: he tries. Really. See, Robbie has a tendency to drift off when he should be listening. Or, he might be adequately engaged, but has no idea what to say in response to me. This is another reason why texting is good for us; it gives him time to formulate the perfect reply. Except when he doesn’t.
Nothing pisses me off more than an unresponsive spouse. I’m well aware of my husband’s struggles during face-to-face conversations, but when he doesn’t respond to a text? Let’s just say that I don’t handle it well.
Here are a few examples:
1. The Suggestive Text
You know the one. Whether it’s an attempt at flirtatious flattery or a picture of my, ahem, best assets, this is the text I send when I want him to know that when I see him later, IT IS SO ON. Usually, these are his favorite type of texts to receive, but if he’s busy at work and forgets to respond? I bust out my dowdiest jammies, because the mood is most definitely gone.
Here’s a hint for the men out there: if you get a suggestive text, RESPOND TO IT.
2. The Angry Text
I get angry a lot. It’s not something I’m proud of, but being a wife and mother is hard, okay? And when people leave mostly-eaten bowls of cereal to petrify in various locations around the house, or when my husband waits until the day I cleaned the bathroom to shave his entire body with an electric razor, or when he tells me he’s going to be home at 6 p.m. and I take the time to make an actual meal and then he gets stuck at work…I send an angry text.
Me: “Where the eff are you?”
Him: (no response)
Me: “YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE HOME AND YOU AREN’T AND ONE OF OUR CHILDREN IS COVERED IN FECAL MATTER.”
Him: (no response)
The logical part of my brain may tell me that he’s not responding because he’s at work, but the illogical side is concerned that he is lying dead in a ditch somewhere. And — spoiler alert — that makes me even MORE irate. Because I am calm and rational when I’m angry.
3. The Very Important Question Text
I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman, but every so often I need a very important question answered by my husband. Questions like, Do you think I’m aging well? What if you fall in love with someone else? Or, the most common, Am I crazy?
Other times, my questions are more concrete:
Me: “Our son broke the water spigot in the back yard. He beat it with a shovel until it snapped off.”
Him: (no response)
Me: “These are your genes at work.”
Him: (no response)
Me: “I GUESS WE’LL JUST DROWN IT’S BEEN NICE BEING MARRIED TO YOU.”
4. The Emergency Text
Well … maybe my definition of “emergency” is a little different than his. Maybe asking his opinion on cake decorations for our 3-year-old is not emergent. Maybe the above situation with the gushing water was emergent, and cake decorations are more of a “very important question?” Clearly, my standards are out of line with my husband’s.
5. The Mushy Declaration Of My Undying Love Text
Okay, this is the worst. Sometimes, usually when I’m ovulating, I get really fond of my husband and I text him mini love letters. Gushing tributes of my burning love and devotion. Thoughtful, artfully written, and meaningful.
Me: “Roses are red, violets are blue, I still get butterflies when I think of you.”
Him: (no response)
Me: “HEY MAN, DID YOU SEE MY AWESOME POEM?”
Him: “Oh, yeah. Sorry, I was busy. What do you want for dinner?”
He loves it. I’m sure of it. How could he not?! Yet, all too often, he forgets to tell me so. But when he does, I love having the cold, hard evidence to look back fondly on.
Photo: Getty
