The Baby Years
WAAAAHH = I’m hungry/tired/awake/itchy/lonely/cold/hot/gassy.
URRRRR = I’m pooping.
WAAAAHH = I’m hungry/tired/awake/itchy/lonely/cold/hot/gassy again.
PBBBBBT = I am no longer gassy.
The Toddler Years
Mine = It’s not mine, but it should be.
No = I don’t care what you just said, but I didn’t ask you to speak, so, NO.
Pweeeze? = I will use my adorableness to persuade you. Resistance is futile.
MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA = Why did you leave the room for more than three seconds?
The Elementary School Years
Can you come in the bathroom with me? = I don’t like you to enjoy yourself without me.
She did it = I did it.
I CAN’T WALK! I’M HURT! = I have a microscopic knee scrape.
I don’t know. = I do know, but I also know if I say anything else I am toast.
The Middle School Years
Can you help me with this? = Can you do this for me while I snack?
I don’t THINK I have homework. = I think I’d rather go watch funny videos at my friend’s house than do homework.
UGH parents are the WORST. = I am in the throes of puberty. Gear up.
Everyone else is doing it! = I don’t really want to do it but I think I have to do it so please don’t make me look lame.
The High School Years
I like your shirt, Mom = Can I please borrow the car?
I AM STARVING. = It has been 12 minutes since I last ate.
Do you need help with the dishes? = I need some money.
[Stony silence and a slammed door] = I am a teenager and I can’t even.
Photo: Getty
