Iām a good parent (no really, my mom told me so), but IĀ have myĀ breaking points.Ā Sometimes itās hard to get through a rigorous day of parenting when myĀ kids are whining and crying and making a messĀ and peeing in their pants and getting splinters and whatever else. I love my kids. More than anything. But sometimes I need to unleash, you know? Do something secretly when myĀ kids arenāt looking so I wonāt get asked a million questions āĀ because I donāt know about you, but my daughter is aĀ little detective. And even though I encourageĀ her to be honest and tell me everything, sometimes mamaās gotta be sneaky. Check out this list of all theĀ things IĀ secretly do when myĀ kids arenāt looking and see if I missed anything!
1. Sneak candy. Itās true, Iāve been known toĀ eat candy (even after IĀ tell myĀ daughter she canāt have any becauseĀ itāll rot herĀ teeth).
2. Check email or texts. I know, I know, it makes meĀ look so distracted, but sometimes IĀ needĀ toĀ connect with the outside world.
3. Eat their food.Ā My kids may refuse to eat dinner,Ā but theyĀ flipĀ if they see meĀ nibbling so much as a peaĀ from their plates. God forbid IĀ get to eat, too!
4. Throw awayĀ artwork.Ā When myĀ daughter comes home daily with mountains of drawings, IĀ kinda have to pick nāĀ choose andĀ throw out the duds. SoundsĀ heartless,Ā but itās either that or live like a hoarder.
5. Watch videos. First Iām checkingĀ Facebook, and then suddenlyĀ IāmĀ watching the new Justin Beiber video. I donāt even know how IĀ got there ā¦ but IĀ may as well finish it, yāknow, just to see how it ends.
6. Flip āem off. My kidsĀ give me a lot of ātude, so hell yeah I flip āem the bird when theirĀ backs are turned. Hey, itās quicker stress relief than counting toĀ 10!
7. Buy (& wrap) presents.Ā I amĀ always with myĀ kids so itās impossible to shop without them around. As soon as their backs are turned, IāmĀ shoving a Barbie in the bottom of the cart and wrapping it on a high countertop while the kids play blocks on the floor.
Related:Ā Why I Refuse to Be a āPerfect Momā (+ Everything Iām Doing Wrong)
8. Add veggies.Ā āHere, have a brownie,ā IĀ say maniacally. Little does my daughterĀ know Iāve grated an entire zucchini into the batter. Ah, the power!
9. Dig for boogers.Ā No matter how often IĀ reprimand myĀ kids for picking their noses, sometimes IĀ gotta get up in there, too.
10. Invoke the 5 second (er, minute) rule.Ā I mean, seriously. If IĀ threw awayĀ every singleĀ morsel of food that fell on the floor ā¦
11. Cry.Ā Downer! ButĀ sometimes IĀ want a little pity party without a millionĀ questions, ya know?
12. ChangeĀ tampons.Ā Ew, right? But my daughter isĀ way tooĀ fascinated byĀ this monthly ritual. Sorry kid, but thisĀ activity doesĀ notĀ require an audience.
13. Brush their hair.Ā That rats nest is a lot easier to tackle when my daughter isĀ caught off guard.
14. Swear. Oh f*ck yeah. IĀ swear like a Tarantino movieĀ when myĀ kids arenāt looking (I mean, er, listening).
15. Work. IāllĀ jump on the chanceĀ to squeeze in a bit of work (like thisĀ article!).
16. Take photos. Thereās something awesomeĀ about the pics IĀ snap when the kidsĀ think IāmĀ not looking.
17. Hide annoying toys. And by annoying, IĀ mean loud. Sayonara Sing-A-Ma-Jig Thing!
18. Pour a glass of wine.Ā You know, assuming itās a reasonable time of dayā¦
19. Close myĀ eyes. Unfortunately itās not a definitive nap, but itās better than nothing.
More Mom Confessions:
- āMan Upā & More Things I Refuse to Ever Say to My Boys
- Confessions of a Sentimental, Sappy Mom
- 25 Reasons Why My Kid Canāt Stay Home Alone
Photo: Getty
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